Clenched teeth, btw, are only effective with kids when bared infrequently. Never abuse this power as it tends to make them resent your combined powerlessness over the much despised ‘dropsies’.

My little pooper – aka (Mr. P) also took to calling his penis his peanuts. After a bath, we put on lotion because he has a touch of psoriasis. He was into learning body parts at that point, so we would sing songy say “on your arms, on your toes, on your back….” and one day he got some on his penis.
He said “Whats this?”
I said “well… its your penis.” very matter of factly. I don’t want to shield him with making stupid cutsey names for things like this.
So then he was saying “on my arms, on my toes, on my back, on my peanuts”.
I died laughing, so of course he thinks its great fun to call it his peanuts. Learned to not laugh when he says stuff like this or it happens all the time and I want him to know its a penis and not peanuts. BUT his first girlfriend and his wife will hear this story.

He is now potty training. Has the peeing part down pretty good. The pooping, not quite. One Sat, Mr.P had several accidents already. We were on the last pair of clean underwear and all out of any pull ups. He had just sat on the toilet for about half an hour. May not seem that long to non potty training parents, but its an eternity- trust me. After the half hour of him insisting there was no more poop in him, we went into the living room to attempt to vacuum, and he shit his underwear again…immediately. I said “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME DUDE”. He started crying and I felt like utter shit. Cleaned him up, and I was desperate, so I put a pair of my smallest underwear on him, while cussing out and kicking the dryer to fucking hurry up already!! Go back in the living room and try to vacuum again. He shit again! I turned the vacuum off and he said very meekly – “are you fucking kidding me dude”. This time I was in tears and laughing hysterically. Clearly he was having a bad stomach day and I was not being a rational parent.I didn’t correct him because it was appropriate in his case. He was sick, and I made him wear my underwear, I would also have said are you fucking kidding me dude, too.

Mr. P has an incredible memory. There is a Dino dinorsaur ride outside our supermarket. I let him ride it most times, because its only 50 cents and only about a minute of that annoying fucking music and it makes him smile and giggle; a real true giggle, which is like crack to me. One very rough morning, we were going in for donuts for him, and 40 oz beer…um I mean coffee for me. He wanted to ride the dinosaur. I didn’t have any cash on me so I said “I don’t have any money.”
He said “Yes you do, its in your purse.”
I just stood there. Came back with “But really…I don’t”
He said ” There is some in the Jeep”. Again, I just stood there.
He is right, there is some, but its not quarters. I was exasperated and tired and frankly not so happy he was right and was calling me on my bullshit.
I said ” I don’t have any fucking quarters, and MAYBE if we get some stuff in the store, I can get cash back on my debit card for 50 fucking cents”.
He was quiet while we got the donuts and coffee/beer in the store. In the checkout line, his quietness revealed itself as him scheming on just how he was going to ride that dinosaur.
He told the cashier when we got to the checkout line “Please may I have 50 fucking cents for the ride?” Because we have taught him he needs to say “Please may I have ……” to be polite.
Mortified and laughing at the same time. Did he ride the Dino ride? You fucking bet he did. He earned it.

I have 2 six year olds (one my step) a 20mth old, and a 7mth old.

Last summer, my husband and i were pissed purple at MIL, so I turned to the then 5yr olds and said can you do this (as i held up the middle finger) and my step turned to me and said ya and threw up the big FU in front of about 20 old people getting off of the old folks home transport bus. my daughter struggling with the whole finger thing, just turned and said ‘fuck you’ grandma P!. . .:) I love my children, I hope that the youngest 2 will be able to throw the finger with such ease.

That same 5yr old said ‘fuck that scared the shit out of me’ on the 4th of July. . .thank goodness this was in the dark of night and the booms of fireworks covered her truckers mouth.

MOMMY FAIL. . .and yet slightly proud.