I think what set me off was the ENDLESS round of publicity for her new cookbook, and the thought of tons of REAL chefs toiling in obscurity because they’re not famous celebrities–yet.
So yeah, I’m picking on ol’ Gwyn here, but really just insert the name of any annoying celebrimom.
Dear Gwyneth,
I don’t hate you. I think you’re a good actress, and I enjoy your movies. You grew up privileged, and that’s great. Your parents worked hard, and made a lot of money. Good for them, and good for you for all your success. I think you’re funny, and cute, you obviously love your kids, and it’s sweet how much you loved and miss your dad.
But please, PLEASE, stop pretending that you understand other, non-stinking-rich mothers. You have no IDEA what most moms survive through from day to day.
The vast majority of us don’t go to silent retreats in Japanese monasteries. We can’t even afford Coach, let alone get their free loot by modeling for them. We don’t cook with “salt-packed capers,” and I don’t even KNOW what the fuck “Maldon sea salt” is. Very few of us have private trainers who “kicked my twice-pregnant ass into shape, and keeps taking me to new levels.”
Of course we feel horrible for all the people in Japan, but a lot of us really, truly cannot afford to donate much, if at all. Stop perpetuating the fear about radiation, while I’m at it, because we have enough to worry about, and our brains are full, and there is really, TRULY nothing we can do about THAT.
And guess what? American moms do not, for the large part, shop in grocery stores that regularly stock duck. Unless it’s Cold Duck.
Ever plopped your kids in front of the TV to TRY to get 20 min to yourself? Nah. Why would you? Get the nannies to do flash cards of French verbs with the little tykes!
Oh, you let them cook with you. How sweet. I do too—when I have extra time to clean up the inevitable mess from allowing them to “help.”
But Gwyneth, I’ll bet my left tit you have never, EVER, stood in a grocery store, mentally adding up your list to make sure you have enough money for all these groceries. I bet you NEVER put back wine because you really couldn’t afford it that week. Maybe your kids have gotten the, “No, we’re not buying that, it’s not even FOOD!” speech in the grocery store, but it’s because of your high moral standards, not because $4 for a box of cereal just didn’t fit the budget.
Come to think of it, do you even GO to the grocery store? And have you EVER had a screaming kid in a grocery store, in full-blown meltdown, DefCon 1, but you couldn’t leave your cart and walk away because you/your husband finally got paid, and there really is NO food in your house. No? Never been there? Then shut the fuck up.
Stick to modeling and acting and “singing” (really?) and showing off fantastic fashions on your stick-figure so we can dream about wearing them. Other than that, shut up. Just shut. the fuck. up.
And do I feel guilty whining when there are moms around the world hiding their daughters from rape squads, hiding their sons from “military recruiters” and praying, “Dear God, just send me enough food and clean water for today… just today!” Hell, yes. But I don’t try to tell them how to do it better. I pray for them. And donate money where I can. Because that’s all I can do.
Love,
Theresa
LOVE love love this.
I’m new to your site and having so much fun reading through your posts. I’m not a mom (maybe someday), but I just absolutely love your blog. I hope to see more open letters like this!
Also a new person to your site. I am a work at home mom. I transitioned from a outside sales person ( on the road pretty much 8 hours a day) to the near impossible same job with a newborn and have been doing it for two years now from home.
Moms like Gwen here although neat for her that her life is so freaking perfect make me want to ralph. Not only are duck and capers unrealistic to the everyday mom what the hell kid would eat them. I can just hear my kid now, duck like I have in the tub duck, (sad forlorn look across her face).
Agreed, plean Gwenyth stick to acting and modeling cause its what your good at. Leave the sympathizing to the good ladies here at valium.
O.M.G. this is brilliant! Brilliant because it is SO TRUE! Especially these parts:
- The grocery store meltdown.
- Using the TV as an ad-hoc babysitter so that you can have two seconds of peace
- The mental calculations of how much money you have in relation to the items on the conveyor belt at checkout.
Thank you for being so honest. And you’re right: Gwyneth has NO CLUE!!
She doesn’t have a clue, but she’s so PRETTY. Why can’t she just continue to rely on her looks and STFU?
yea! I can claim to be sort of related to you:) Evan leaves the island on June 20…perhaps never to return. hahahahahha. He is 20 and not all that different from the grocery store meltdown boy.
I use Maldon Sea Salt *hidding in the corner*
Well what the fuck is it?!?
Er, it’s….salt…..from essex.
Thank you. NOW I know. In stores in MY part of the US, we have salt, sea salt, and Celtic sea salt. I bet Gwynnie can’t lay her hands on a Kokanee (beer) though, which is unfortunate, because maybe it would loosen her up a bit.
I also use it.And capers.And duck.And I’m certainly not wealthy.Not really sure what the problem is tbh.
I have capers in my cabinet, too. I just find her sanctimonious. “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can.” Really? JAYsus. And when she published something about “the essentials you need for your spring wardrobe… for only $18,000!” Are you KIDDING?!
I was so wrapped up in my little balancing act (life), that I 100% didnt kno anything about Gwennie’s new cooking adventure… or this letter, which is SPOT ON, DEARIE. Don’t I just wonder what trading places would be like… so much so, that I’d give up my one glamour day just following her around as my 3 year old daughter, the karate- chopping ‘Real Lightning McQueen’ (she calls herself), runs in left-circles around her, while my almost-13 yr.o. daughter mouths off about how there arent enough hours in the day to wash the 3 bowls and spoons we have. now THERE’S a show worth taping LOL. See ya on fb, T hahaha