Just call a douche a douche

There is something I’d like to get off my ample chest. Something that pervades our culture, and that I am curious about:

Why is “pussy” the absolute worst insult* that can be hurled at a man?

A pussy is a place of power: THAT is where babies come from. The strength and determination is takes for a pussy to push out a kid is primal and beautiful. (And if you had C-sections, that in NO WAY diminishes the power of YOUR pussy.)

So why is it that, when a man displays a lack of strength, character or determination, he is a suddenly a pussy?

That’s just messed up. And let’s look at general insults for a man, and see how they relate to the women in his life:

Bastard: mother was a slut who got knocked up out of wedlock. PLEASE. Half my friends had their first baby, or at least conceived their first baby, before they were married. So how, exactly, does having unmarried parents make you an asshole?

Pussy-whipped: abused by a girlfriend or wife, who controls him by controlling when he gets some. The woman in this scenario is always a bitch.

Son of a bitch: he’s a schmuck, and it’s all his mommy’s fault? NO.

Wuss: a mixture of “wimp” and “pussy.” Why not just “wimp”?

And because SOMEONE will bring these two up:

Douche/douchewad/douchebag/douchenozzle: Aside from the fact that French-speakers all over the world are probably wondering why Americans call each other a “shower” as an insult, in the American English usage, what does a douche wash? A pussy. So it’s a horrible insult to be the thing that washes out a vagina?

It it walks like a douche and TALKS like a douche...

I say no, there’s another side to this: Since vaginal douches are actually really bad for the vagina, I’ve decided that “douche” means something that’s really bad for women. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I mean really, what else could you call those Jersey Shore guys if not douchebags?

Mother-fucker: rather than denoting someone who ACTUALLY has sex with his maternal unit, I think of this term as “the mother of all fuckers,” which of course means a reeaaal douchebag.

SIDENOTE: Yes, I get that women use even more offensive euphemisms for the vagina to insult one another. But that’s OUR prerogative. Recently, one of my friends asked why Kerstin and I will say things like, “We love all you bitches!” I think it’s because we’ve reclaimed that word. Female dogs are strong and scary when they want to be. Cower before us! But if a guy called a group of women bitches? Pff. Blood on the sidewalk.

I’d also like to point out that I will not have, as friends, women who are consistently disrespectful, emasculating harridans to their menfolk. Yes, we all vent about our husbands sometimes, but that’s the point: we’re just venting. And our REAL women friends totally get that we just need to bitch, that we love our men, and ’sall good.

Real men and real women are strong in different ways. It makes for a nice balance—when we’re not cutting each other down.

Now let’s all hold hands and sing “Kumbaya,” mother-fuckers. But no douches.

*I know some dickwads like to throw “faggot” around, too, but it seems like it is used in more specific circumstances than the general, all-purpose insult of “pussy.” Also, rampant, inane homophobia is a whole other post.