“Hi, I’m Theresa, and I am addicted to Facebook.”
1. We admit we are powerless over FB, and that seriously, we have to get a life.
RIGHT: I’m setting a timer, and I am getting off FB when it goes off. Or when my computer battery dies. Whichever comes first.
WRONG: I’m not powerless over FB! Hell, I spend at least as much time on Twitter. Oh Ashton. I miss your half-hourly updates…
2. Have come to believe that actually talking to REAL humans could restore us to sanity.
RIGHT: “You know, I almost forgot what interesting kids you are!”
WRONG: “I AM ON FACEBOOK! Get your own damn corndog!”
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives away from constantly checking to see who has invited us to be friends.
RIGHT: “Yes [spouse], I would love to go out to dinner with you and perhaps even have a ‘conjugal visit’.”
WRONG: “Why did that guy reject me as a FB friend? Oh, god! Maybe he never really liked me…oh my god, was I THAT dork in HS?”
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
RIGHT: “Oh that’s a cute photo of me, even if I’m not wearing make-up.”
WRONG: “I’m not posting ANY pictures of myself until I lose 40 pounds and have the surgery…”
5. Admitted to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our addiction:
RIGHT: “All right, all right—I wanted to make sure SOMEONE I went to HS with had gotten fat and bald, OK?”
WRONG: “What? I just love seeing pictures of everyone’s kids!”
6. Were entirely ready to remove all these defects of character.
RIGHT: I’m vain. I get it.
WRONG: …Surgery… AND Botox… Wait, I’ll just PHOTOSHOP that extra chin away…
7. Humbly remove our shortcomings.
RIGHT: I didn’t realize how insecure I was about [pick one] not finishing college/getting a divorce/my lackluster career/getting fat/getting gray/getting wrinkled.
WRONG: If I lie on my Profile about having a PhD, no one’s going to check anyway…
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
RIGHT: “Kids, I’m really sorry Mommy has fed you fast food and pizza every night for a month. Tonight we’re having homemade lasagna, salad, and fresh, homemade bread!”
WRONG: “What? They LOVE those Happy Meal toys!”
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
RIGHT: “Oh, honey. Mommy is sorry I forgot to take you to school…”
WRONG: “Uh, [spouse], I had a virtual affair on FB with an old friend. Don’t worry! I ended it when he recognized ‘my’ photo as Jenna Jameson. So we’re good, right?”
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
RIGHT: “That’s four hours I’ll never get back…”
WRONG: “Hey, at least I wasn’t snorting coke for four hours! Am I right? Am I right?!”
11. Sought through actual conversation to improve our conscious contact with humans—in person.
RIGHT: “Hi honey, what did you do at school today?”
WRONG: “That’s great honey… why don’t you just email me an update from the computer in your room? I’m using this one…”
12. Having had an awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other FB addicts, and to practice these principles every day.
RIGHT: I notice that you’re online 12 or 13 hours a day. In order to help you manage your addiction, I will no longer Instant Message you.
WRONG: Haha! LOSER! I was only on for 6 hours yesterday! In your face!
Use these simple steps if you feel a friend or family member needs an intervention. Like me, for instance. I’m pretty sure The King is getting ready to print this out and wave it in front of my face any minute now…