Kerstin went to a nice Christmas party & all I got were these HEEElarious texts


These are NOT the people Kerstin spent Saturday night with. But aren't they lovely?

Personally, I am deeply thankful that Kerstin and I are not famous. If anyone ever hacked our phones, and got a hold of our text conversations, they would be convinced that two 10-yr-old boys had gotten ahold of their moms’ phones. Yup. LOTS of poop jokes. ‘Cause they never get old. Also, play-by-plays of how wretched our periods are. OK, maybe 12-yr-old girls…

Anyway, here are our texts back and forth from Saturday night. I am translating them as texted—in all their Swype Autocorrect glory. I never did figure out what one or two texts meant:

Kerstin and I text each other constantly. But I didn’t hear my phone for about an hour, then checked it and saw I had missed 15 texts. FIFTEEN.

Kerstin: Omg I am at Studly’s work Christmas party. He forgot something, so he has to run home, which will take like 30 mins snd I am here with a bunch of people I don’t know.

K: Thank gid I am getting to know this lemon drop pretty well

K: AWKWARD

K: ONE DRINK TICKET down, 3 more to go…

K: Shit. I just remembered I forgot to put my black bra on under my blck knit swear… My white bra totes shows thru. That calls for another lemon drop.

K: Drinkey drankey drunkey dronkey… I getting dronkey

K: Oh shit I think kenny g is here

K: Ok, not kenny g but but solo clarinet (out whatever jenny g plays) playing in the corner to a prerecorded track

K: Actually a classy party

K: Your stol continue to very updates until Studly comes back [Nope. I don’t have a fucking clue either.]

K: Omg the last text made no sense … Stupid Swype

K: Ok, and stupid lemon drop… can’t blame it aaalll on swyped this time

K: Whaaaaa? Pumpkin spice martini? Oh, that shall be my next stinky

K: Drinky not stinky [by this point, I can totes hear her teeth grinding and see her fighting the urge to bitchslap her own phone]

Theresa: I just read AAALLLLLL 15 texts, and I cannot BREATHE.

K: ON the shorter peeinf out some martini… My texts are hilarious

Theresa: Ima post em on Valium 2morrow

K: Ok

K: While I feel like my makeup is running down my face in drunken sludge, I actually look almost human.

Theresa: I drank a BOTTLE of wine at The King’s christmas party last night.

K: Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeettttttttttttttt

K: Omg bartenders made do a digit if tequila… Haywards [never got that one either]

Theresa: Lsnb! I can’t WAIT until u read that one tomorrow.

K: Lmao!

K: Looking at Studly over they rew in his wrinkled red sweater makes me wish I ironed but only s little

K: you should read my tweets… An ode to the lemon drop

K: I like drink people… Especially dronk me

Kerstin tweeted these over the course of an hour. An hour I spent wheezing and gasping for breath.

Oh lemon drop martini, how do I love thee, let me count the ways….

1. You help me to navigate the social niceties of a work xmas party…

2. You quench my liquor lust

3. You give me the liquid courage to mingle with people I don’t know

4. You are so tasty

5. You are starting to make me feel dizzy and a smidge spinny

6. You are making me feel slightly amorous

9. I love you, man [yes, she skipped 7 & 8. She was drunk! Don’t judge.]

B. You make me want to talk to strangers like they were my best friends

Threeve. Oh, lemon drop… You are all gone… I shall have to ask thre bartender if you have any sisters….

? Three drink tickets left…. I may get into some trouble…..

Omg a pumpkin spice martini? Sorry lemon stop… You are booted

Heels and booze do NOT mix

I worked really vargas to NOT embarrass Studly art the part tonight. It worked…i only embarrassed myself

Drinky drankey drunkey dronkey

If a drunk Kerstin falls in her ved, does she make a sound? Question of the ages…

Then she came home and drunkbooked all over FB:

Kerstin’s comment on our friend’s status: “Fuckin awesome. Of course, I am completely drink right now, so my awesome scale might be off…”

Annnnd again: “Of course, I am drunk right now, so these might just be the ramblings if a crazy drunk person…”

To which I replied: “I think we can safely go with option B”

Kerstin: Bitch. I love tou

When I sent her the whole blog post of all her tweets and texts that night, she wrote:

Kerstin: “Ok mg. I would be ensured if I wasn’t still drunk”

Theresa: “You just keep digging yourself in deeper… and like a true bestie, I just keep LAAAAAUGHING.”

Kerstin: Whore. You know you love me. SAY MY NAME, BASTION! [You know she’s drunk when she’s throwing out quotes from “The Neverending Story.” Skip to 5:10 of this clip. Holy crap, that movie was bad…]

Theresa: This is ALLLLL going in the blog, baby!

And her final tweet of the night:
Dear bed…. Spin allllll you want, ima routed axmas I’m a sleep…. Night night

I would just like to say, I worked really vargas to get this all typed up.

 

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6 Responses to Kerstin went to a nice Christmas party & all I got were these HEEElarious texts

  1. Ja Mi says:

    Hahahaa!! That was awesome! I want a drunk best friend now! Also, the Neverending Story was awesomely bad when it first came out…but…wait ’till you watch it on BLU RAY high def! What little respect you may have had left for that poor, poor film will be shattered by the horrendous “upconversion”!! You two are awesome!

  2. Terra Agueda says:

    hahaha!!! I am crying!! love it! Awww, the true signs of close friendship…. “whore”!!

  3. Susan says:

    Love you too ….that’s just what I needed this Monday morning. Well, that and a few lemon drops meself.

  4. Laura says:

    That just might be the greatest thing y’all have EVER posted on this blog.
    EVAR.

  5. Marisa says:

    OMG. Literally falling off my ball here. This.Is.Rad!!! I especially love The Neverending Story reference, I love that horrible movie and that quote is in my top 5 favorites.

    Love you ladies!

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