Personally, I am deeply thankful that Kerstin and I are not famous. If anyone ever hacked our phones, and got a hold of our text conversations, they would be convinced that two 10-yr-old boys had gotten ahold of their moms’ phones. Yup. LOTS of poop jokes. ‘Cause they never get old. Also, play-by-plays of how wretched our periods are. OK, maybe 12-yr-old girls…
Anyway, here are our texts back and forth from Saturday night. I am translating them as texted—in all their Swype Autocorrect glory. I never did figure out what one or two texts meant:
Kerstin and I text each other constantly. But I didn’t hear my phone for about an hour, then checked it and saw I had missed 15 texts. FIFTEEN.
Kerstin: Omg I am at Studly’s work Christmas party. He forgot something, so he has to run home, which will take like 30 mins snd I am here with a bunch of people I don’t know.
K: Thank gid I am getting to know this lemon drop pretty well
K: ONE DRINK TICKET down, 3 more to go…
K: Shit. I just remembered I forgot to put my black bra on under my blck knit swear… My white bra totes shows thru. That calls for another lemon drop.
K: Drinkey drankey drunkey dronkey… I getting dronkey
K: Oh shit I think kenny g is here
K: Ok, not kenny g but but solo clarinet (out whatever jenny g plays) playing in the corner to a prerecorded track
K: Actually a classy party
K: Your stol continue to very updates until Studly comes back [Nope. I don’t have a fucking clue either.]
K: Omg the last text made no sense … Stupid Swype
K: Ok, and stupid lemon drop… can’t blame it aaalll on swyped this time
K: Whaaaaa? Pumpkin spice martini? Oh, that shall be my next stinky
K: Drinky not stinky [by this point, I can totes hear her teeth grinding and see her fighting the urge to bitchslap her own phone]
Theresa: I just read AAALLLLLL 15 texts, and I cannot BREATHE.
K: ON the shorter peeinf out some martini… My texts are hilarious
Theresa: Ima post em on Valium 2morrow
K: While I feel like my makeup is running down my face in drunken sludge, I actually look almost human.
Theresa: I drank a BOTTLE of wine at The King’s christmas party last night.
K: Omg bartenders made do a digit if tequila… Haywards [never got that one either]
Theresa: Lsnb! I can’t WAIT until u read that one tomorrow.
K: Looking at Studly over they rew in his wrinkled red sweater makes me wish I ironed but only s little
K: you should read my tweets… An ode to the lemon drop
K: I like drink people… Especially dronk me
Kerstin tweeted these over the course of an hour. An hour I spent wheezing and gasping for breath.
Oh lemon drop martini, how do I love thee, let me count the ways….
1. You help me to navigate the social niceties of a work xmas party…
2. You quench my liquor lust
3. You give me the liquid courage to mingle with people I don’t know
4. You are so tasty
5. You are starting to make me feel dizzy and a smidge spinny
6. You are making me feel slightly amorous
9. I love you, man [yes, she skipped 7 & 8. She was drunk! Don’t judge.]
B. You make me want to talk to strangers like they were my best friends
Threeve. Oh, lemon drop… You are all gone… I shall have to ask thre bartender if you have any sisters….
? Three drink tickets left…. I may get into some trouble…..
Omg a pumpkin spice martini? Sorry lemon stop… You are booted
Heels and booze do NOT mix
I worked really vargas to NOT embarrass Studly art the part tonight. It worked…i only embarrassed myself
Drinky drankey drunkey dronkey
If a drunk Kerstin falls in her ved, does she make a sound? Question of the ages…
Then she came home and drunkbooked all over FB:
Kerstin’s comment on our friend’s status: “Fuckin awesome. Of course, I am completely drink right now, so my awesome scale might be off…”
Annnnd again: “Of course, I am drunk right now, so these might just be the ramblings if a crazy drunk person…”
To which I replied: “I think we can safely go with option B”
Kerstin: Bitch. I love tou
When I sent her the whole blog post of all her tweets and texts that night, she wrote:
Kerstin: “Ok mg. I would be ensured if I wasn’t still drunk”
Theresa: “You just keep digging yourself in deeper… and like a true bestie, I just keep LAAAAAUGHING.”
Kerstin: Whore. You know you love me. SAY MY NAME, BASTION! [You know she’s drunk when she’s throwing out quotes from “The Neverending Story.” Skip to 5:10 of this clip. Holy crap, that movie was bad…]
Theresa: This is ALLLLL going in the blog, baby!
And her final tweet of the night:
Dear bed…. Spin allllll you want, ima routed axmas I’m a sleep…. Night night
I would just like to say, I worked really vargas to get this all typed up.