Cheat Sheet

We’ve been BFFs for more than 30 years, so we have some weird inside jokes and personal idioms. Also, after several months of having our FaceBook group, our members have contributed to our twisted, offensive vocabulary.

If we forgot anything that you particularly enjoyed on one of our threads, PLEASE post it below so we can add it.

Anal bleaching: Theresa’s husband told her about this, which led her to ask what the hell he was googling at 2 am. It has become a running joke on our Facebook page. HINT: it is exactly what it sounds like–getting your asshole bleached.

Awethome: Theresa’s ridiculous pronunciation and spelling of “awesome”. Probably an ode to Beavis and Butthead, but she honestly can’t remember anymore.

Balloon knot: The anus. First so named in a thread about Brazilian waxes. Example: When Theresa tried to JOKINGLY tell her husband he needed to get to work on his honey-do list, he responded, “Sure. Stick it in your balloon knot and I’ll get to it later.” Also a running joke on our  Facebook page. (Thanks, Erin!)

Bastaches: “Bastards.” If you have never seen Johnny Dangerously, we highly recommend it.

Celebrimoms: Famous, rich women who write books, have websites, or in any other way try to tell us how to do it better. WE HATE THEM. Just STFU about this great stroller you love (which cost $479–are you fucking kidding me?!?) or how to cook healthy meals (which you have time to do, because someone else is cleaning your house, doing the laundry, and keeping the kids out of the kitchen for a solid hour while you create a gourmet masterpiece). Just do your celebrity thing and otherwise, STFU.

Choregasms: (See also, Choreplay) The almost sexual pleasure a woman experiences watching her man do housework without being asked! Oh, who are we kidding? It’s not “almost sexual”–it’s a panty-changer. (Thanks, Courtney!)

Choreplay: (See also, Choregasms) The act of men doing household chores or regular housework. Women find this intensely arousing. It makes us feel loved, appreciated, and cared for. If more men understood that, more women would be putting out more regularly–and we’d ALL be happier. NOTE: This is a real phenomenon, not a manipulative ploy by women to get guys to do the dishes. (Thanks, Christina!)

Cliterature: Smut books, aimed at women, pretending to be works of literature. Contributed by the husband of Susan Garrett Matlis (after she disappeared for a few hours with the 50 Shades of Gray trilogy, we’re guessing.)

Cybertrolls: Women who have nothing better to do than post insults, judgmental comments, and offensive things on fan pages and blogs. In particular, women who anonymously report photos (to FB) that the vast majority of us find heeee-larious. [Theresa's note: my personal favorite example of this bullshit is a vast and offensive generalization  such as, "Anyone who has plastic surgery is a c*nt." I guess that includes Tina Turner, and burn victims then, you fucking moron.]

Also, immature, mom’s-basement-dwellers who exercise their cyber-bravery by saying nasty shit on the interwebs–things they’d never have the guts to say in public or to someone’s face. Mostly because they don’t actually interact with real humans much. These tend to be male humans (NOT men) who take women’s venting WAY too seriously, and feel the need to attack women for making jokes. I mean, really, how DARE we?

Thanks to Tammy Sulko for the turn of phrase

Emoticon Twatwaffles (see also, Twatwaffles): These are the bitches who say snarky, passive-aggressive, mean shit to you via FB, text or email, and then tack on an emoticon such as or   because apparently, in THEIR world, it’s OK to be a total snatch as long as they smile. [I HATE those bitches, and will immediately block someone if they piss me off with that shit.-Theresa]

Emotional Vomit: You know when your kid is throwing a tantrum over NOTHING? Like, s/he can’t find the yellow crayon, so s/he breaks the orange crayon in a fury… then you hand her/him the yellow one, because you found it, and then s/he screams because the orange one is broken? THAT is emotional vomit. When there is NOTHING you can do, but stand back and let ‘er rip.
In older children, this manifests differently. For instance, one July, Faerie Child was going on and on about all the injustices in her life, and puked up this little tidbit at Theresa: “And at my birthday [last Dec] you didn’t go down the water slide with me!”
Emotional vomit. Their child-sized stress buckets are full, and they BLOW. Big time. When reason and rationale are pointless, and all you can do is let them cry until they’re alllll done… while you hide in the kitchen with a HUGE glass of wine and earplugs, if need be.

Faerie Child: Theresa’s older daughter, age 10, who is eternally upbeat and supportive. Seriously, it’s like living with a motivational speaker. “You can DO it, Mama!” “God LOVES you, Mama!”  She sees the love, beauty and goodness in everyone. Sometimes, she’s so perky, it gets on the nerves.

Firecracker: Kerstin’s middle child, a girl who just turned 9 and is “full of beans,” as the saying goes.

Fucking Bacon!: Showing our communal love for bacon, the FB page I say “fuck” too much, but I don’t give a fuck coined this phrase to explain when “things are fucking awesome. Mainly because bacon is fucking awesome.”

Gos: A routine mis-typing of “God,” which we find ridiculously amusing.

*HORK*: The sound one makes when trying NOT to vomit.

“Huff my kid”: The act of smelling one’s child’s hair, hands or cheeks when one is deeply stressed out and needs to calm down. Yes, it’s weird, coke-whory behavior, but it’s better than huffing spray paint, right? (Thanks, Dominique!)

Interwebs: Kerstin’s word for Internet, borrowed from her hubby. Example: “I saw it on the interwebs, so it must be true!”

Judgy: Not quite judgmental, but more than a raised eyebrow. “I don’t want to sound all judgy, but are you sure it’s wise to let your toddler play with that dead squirrel?”

The King: Theresa’s husband. Since she refers to her daughters as “the Princesses” all the time, it seemed only fitting. When asked how he felt about being nicknamed thusly, he declared, “It’s good to be The King.”

La Diva: Theresa’s younger daughter, age 7, who is mouthy, spunky, and really, really funny. Theresa freely admits she’s a “mini-me” and is the living proof of the validity of that age-old Mother’s Curse: “I hope one day you have a child JUST. LIKE. YOU!”

Laundry Lethargy: The over-whelming desire to take a nap, FB, or otherwise waste time when faced with PILES of laundry to wash, or in Theresa’s case, fold and put away. As Theresa says, “When I see all that clean laundry waiting to be folded, I just know it’s judging me.”

LMBAO: Another reference to anal bleaching, it means “Laughing my bleached ass off.” Contributed by Maybe It’s Not Me, Maybe It Is You , it has also become a running joke on our Facebook page.

LSNB: The two of us, along with our other two BFFs, needed an acronym to accurately describe our hysterics at each other’s FaceBook craziness. We came up with “laughing, shaking, not breathing” for when you’re laughing so hard you just can’t get a breath.

Man-Cub: Kerstin’s youngest, a boy who just turned 7. He is sweet and loving and constantly trying to keep up with his two big sisters.

Manroot: Really? You can’t guess what that means? PENIS. WANKER. DICK. Got it?

Maritals: Kerstin’s word for putting out.

Mompetition: A phrase coined by the BRILLIANT The Brazen Apron, this describes the INSANE LENGTHS mothers will go to to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is perfect. One of our MAJOR pet peeves.

Mopicide: Walking on your floor while you’re mopping. Contributed by Courtney Hand-Lester: “My urchin actually showed me he has true wisdom. I was mopping the floor and he said to me: ‘Walking on your floor while you’re mopping is mopicide.‘ He knows.” Courtney has obviously raised him well.

Mother Cluster: The group of moms who gather after a sporting event, school drop-off, or any other gathering, for the sole purpose of have adult interaction with other human females. NOTE: Not restricted to SAHMs. Working moms need girlfriend time, too. They can’t talk about their periods and complain about their families at work ALL the time.
Generally, the soundtrack of a mother-cluster goes something like this:
Random kid: “Come ON, MOM! Let’s go!”
A mom: “In a minute…”
10 minutes later:
KID: “Mooooooom! Can we GO now?”
MOM: “In. a. MINUTE.”
20 minutes later:
KID: “Mooooooom, I’m hunnnnngry… can we go now?”
MOM: “GODDAMN IT!! GOD FORBID I SHOULD HAVE 10 FUCKING  MINUTES TO TALK TO OTHER ADULTS!! GET YOUR ASS IN THE CAR! NOW!”
KID: “Hold on, I need to say goodbye to _____”
MOM, through clenched teeth: “Bye, ladies. I need to get home and drink a bottle of wine. Toodles!”
Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

Ol’ Apple Cheeks: A reference to Charles Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie, who cried in every episode, and whose cheeks would look apple-like as he geared up for a good forced sob. This reference is used to identify the male character on a show who cries in every episode. Usage: “Oh for the love of GOD, Jack is the Ol’ Apple Cheeks of Lost. He cries in, like, every episode. Man up, for god’s sake!”

PMS Pixie: This playful little vixen shows up to wreak havoc on us, our families, and our chocolate stash. She enjoys activities such as: shrinking your clothes in your closet; poking your brain with a psychic stick so you explode over the tiniest slight; and/or stabbing you in the heart with that same stick so you cry over anything, ranging from a diaper commercial to an excellent bite of cake. She also enjoys influencing our music, movie and TV choices to ensure that we bawl our heads off at inappropriate times. WE HATE HER.

Poon Plugs: Tampons.

Pooty flap: The labia majora, or external vaginal lips. Like “balloon knot,” first referenced in a thread about Brazilian waxing.

Shake the Chihuahua: sort of synonymous with “don’t poke the bear,” but relating to deliberately antagonizing stupid, small-brained people, who then yip and hop around in agitation. “Shaking a Chihuahua” usually entails asking people to defend their idiotic positions with logic or reason, then watching them get all pissed off when they realize they CAN’T, but won’t admit it. It provides us with ENDLESS amusement.

Stabby: The barely-controlled urge to thrust a long, sharp object into the intestines of someone who is TOTALLY pissing you off. Most common usage: feeling stabby toward bitchy other mothers, engaging in rampant mompetition, or toward obnoxious people in stores, parking lots or at children’s sporting events.
Thanks to one of our Valium Moms, Monica, for contributing!

Stat-jack: The act of hi-jacking someone else’s status and taking it off in a COMPLETELY weird, but entertaining, direction. For instance, the other day, we went a little nuts on a friend’s status. All the poor guy said was “I’m tired.” Next thing you know, we’re quoting Blazing Saddles, and, 12 comments later, no one else had commented on his status, but we were deeply amused. He’d been stat-jacked!

Stupid whore: Strong language, yes, but sometimes… you gotta call it like you see it. Use at your own discretion. There’s no wrong context.

Taco Kick: A strong, yet virtual, kick to one’s genitalia. Originally referenced only kicks to women’s crotchal region, but the meaning has been expanded to include men who really, really deserve it.

Thunderc*nt: A Class A, over the top, horrid bitch. First used to describe some twatwaffle (see below) who came onto our FB page and complained about our foul language.

Type A: Kerstin’s oldest child, a girl, 10, who is JUST LIKE HER MAMA! A perfectionist who often beats herself up unduly (Theresa wrote this description

Twatwaffle: Does this need an explanation?