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Oh please! Like our kids aren't basically feral chimps?
genius shit can live on forEVAH! Post your gems in the comments below, and we’ll add our good stuff, too.
Faerie Child, almost 10, came up behind me as I was watching an episode of a sitcom. Christina Applegate’s character is trying to get out of seeing her over-achieving, interfering, but well-meaning parents. “Why doesn’t she want to see her parents?” she asked me, “Don’t tell me: are they brainless asses?”
La Diva, age 6, reached for something past the crock pot and burned herself. I think “burned” is a strong term, though. More like, “experienced a hot sensation on her arm.” She was yelling at me “You shouldn’t have put it there!” (OK, she had a point; I pulled it forward from the wall to stir it, and forgot to push it back.) As she was SCREAMING like a teeny-bopper in a horror film, The King came in the kitchen and asked, “What’s wrong?” My darling little angel, fruit of my loins, looked her dad square in the eye and bellowed, “Mom BURNED me!” Thankfully, the windows were closed so none of my neighbors–including my mother, now–heard that accusation. Talk about awkward questions… –T
La Diva, age 6, said to me, in a very pleasant tone of voice: “Please don’t pick it up again [something of hers], because you might mess it up… Was that polite? I said ‘please’.”
When La Diva was about 3, we were driving, and I was in the back next to her. She was reading a book, pointing to the pictures, and saying, in a sing-song, “Peeeea-nut, NO Peanut… Peeeeea-nut, NO Peanut!”
“What are you doing, honey?” I asked.
She turned the book around and pointed to a boy, then a girl, and sang, “Peeea-nut, NO peanut!”
That’s when I remembered that she liked to tell people, “Boys have a peanut, but girls have a cagina.”–T
Watching my friend’s 5-yr-old, and she was walking weird. I said, “Honey, do you have to pee?”
“No. I just like to waddle.”
Well, all right then.–T
I made a joke to Faerie Child, involving a play on words, and she said, “That was not funny.”
I said, “TRUST me, it was really, REALLY funny.”
She looked dubious, narrowed her eyes, and said, “Huh. Must be a grown-up joke.”
I thought of all the inane knock-knock jokes I’ve had to laugh at 4,000 times… but I managed to keep my mouth shut and give her the last word.–T
La Diva woke up in a FINE mood one day, and after about 10 min of annoying whining, I said, “I don’t care for your attitude.”
She said, “Yes, you DO!”
I thought, “If that’s your attempt at a Jedi Mind Trick, kid, you need to work on it.”–T
La Diva, 5, as the cold, dreary spring dragged on: “Why can’t God decide it’s summer now?!?”–T
My man-cub, 5, made a “to do” list one day. This is what it said: “Water my plants. Play wif dog. Hate sisters. Play wif marbles. Play the Wii. Chase sisters. Watch a dvd.” Well, I think that pretty much covers it. He’s a busy guy.–K
Convo between Faerie Child and me (when she was 8 years old) :
FC: “Why did you marry Daddy?”
ME: “Because we were in love, and we wanted the same things out of life. So we decided to get married.”
FC: *Sigh* “And then you had sex,” she said sweetly.
Me: “Yeah, and we still have sex.”
FC: “WHY?! You already have 2 children!”–T
The TV wasn’t working very well, & Faerie Child said, “This STUPID remote won’t work!”
“Don’t say ‘stupid,’” said La Diva, “it’s not nice.”
30 sec later, LD says, “Fuuuuck.”
ME, trying not to choke on my laughter: “Honey, ‘fuck’ isn’t a nice word, either.”
LD: “Sorry, but I’m fucking mad!”
Fair enough, mini-me. -T
My son is on a roll this week. I heard him giggling and I asked him what was so funny. He said “The dog licked my balls!” I looked at him, and he was wearing pajama shorts and a t-shirt, and had bent over to pick a toy up with the dog right behind him. We both had a good laugh, because let’s face it…. that was really funny! -K
My 16 year old son and I are finishing up a particularly heavy lifting session early one morning at the gym, and we are discussing radical change in our diet.
Me: “Nolan, have you noticed how eating so much protien seizes up the old bowels”?
Nolan:”It’s been kind of the opposite for me dad. I thought I had to fart yesterday at school, and I shit in my pants a little”.
Me, lauging: “Yeah son, I guess that’s why they say ‘never trust a fart’”.
Nolan: “A fart is a priviledge, not a right”.
omg, I hoped you changed names to protect the innocent…
I have six children, my son is the oldest at 21 and then I have 5 daughters who are 19, 16, 12, 9 and 7. I could write a book filled with shit like this….but here are some samples.
9 yr old: Mommy, can we go to Chuckie Cheese today?
Me: Honey, Mommy doesn’t have the money for that today.
Her: Go to the ATM
Me: I don’t have any there either
7 yr old pipes in : Call J.G. Wentworth at 877CashNow.
HA!
Lmfao!!!!! Hahahahaha
The first family reunion we attended after my gastric bypass and I’d lost 200 lbs…
Aunt to me: Myra you’ve lost all your ass too
7 yr old: So is that why all your panties don’t have the butt part anymore Mommy?? (thongs)
Not a mommy…and my three are all grown up. I imagine I could think back and pull out some gems BUT:
I often babysit for a four year old, the grandson of a friend. His mother is pretty hopeless for the most part. Almost 30 and still acts like a teenager, partying as much as possible, cusses like a sailor (not a BAD thing necessarily), everything is about HER, and is usually high on some drug.
He was riding his bike as I strode along next to him and remarked, “I’m glad you are here, my mom is really fucking boring.”
I started laughing, he started laughing, he forgot what he was doing and ran off the road and collapsed onto the grass mumbling “fucking boring” over and over between laughs.
I remarked finally, after wiping my eyes and getting under control again, “You probably shouldn’t tell her that.” and he replied, “Oh, she knows it already.”
Ok, I have a pretty dirty mouth. Very dirty, actually. Instead of changing my language, I’ve taught my kids the difference between “grownup words” and kid words. Anyway, one day, parking on our street was particularly difficult due to a garage sale or something and my 6 year old pipes up from the back seat “Someone needs to move those fucking cars.” I said, “excuse me? I believe ‘fuck’ is a grownup word.” Mr. Smartypants replied “I know mom, its ok, I am practicing being a grownup”. Well played my son. Well played.
I cuss like a sailor and have did a pretty good job of keeping my boys from repeating my “bad” words, the boys knowing such words are only used by adults. One time while driving in the car, my boys were 6 and 7 at the time and arguing as usual, when the 7 year old turned and said to the 6 year old. “Your an uncle dickhead!” After the minute or 5 it took to stop laughing, I explained that just because you throw “uncle” in front of dickhead, doesn’t make it okay! (They have an Uncle Dick and to this day, they can’t say or hear Uncle Dick without snickering. They’re 16 & 17 now.)
*done
This probably isn’t AS funny as some of the earlier ones, but it’s amusing that my 2-year-old is already a smartass…
Sadie Gaga (3, to her sister): You’re funny! :giggles insanely:
Minion (2): You funny wookin’!
I dropped my 5 year-old off at school. I kissed him bye and started to walk out of the classroom with 20 or so kids and 2 teachers. He chased after me and yells, “Oh Shit, Mom! I forgot my Goddamn Show and Tell Book!” (oops!)
YUP. Been there.
I have 3 boys, 9, 6 & 4, The Ringling Brothers. Last week we were returning from a trip to Florida and I was facing a 12 hour drive by myself with the brothers, so … I gave them all a little Drammamine before we hit the road. In order to get them to take the drammamine, I have to crush it up into dust and then mix it up with juice and then make them drink it like a shot. #1 swigged his and as I was crushing up #2′s, #1 said “Ya know mom when I get married, I’m gonna have to lay down some ground rules with my wife.” Oh, is that so, #1? “Yep. She’s gonna need to know that all of my medicines are going to have to be crushed up and mixed with raspberry lemonade.” Ground rules, huh?
This one will probly be living with me forever!!!
These are all so funny! Out of the mouths of babes.
I cuss like a sailor with tourettes but some how my kids have always known they can’t usually…The Prince of Whatever’s Left was 3 or 4 years old and we were eating dinner and talking. He looked at me and said, “Who fucking cares?”. I hid my face with my napkin while his older sister Princessa scolded him. Another time he was holding a sword grandma bought him at Disney on Ice. He held it up to his crotch and said, “Mama look at how big my pee-pee is!” “Oh, honey that is very big! Many men would love to have one that big! Go show daddy!” PWL ran down the stairs and came back soon after. “What did Daddy say?” “Daddy said that it was very inappropraite!”
Princessa piped up with, “You don’t even know what Inappropriate means!” “Yes, I do! It means you can’t do or say it at school!”
Ruby (my 3 yr old) comes to me yesterday evening to get help fastening her bike helmet. I say, What’ya doin’? A tomato is coming! she replies. I instantly flash to hordes of giant Killer Tomatoes storming across the pasture towards the house, thus displaying my age pretty clearly. Then I realize she meant TORNADO, which also makes no sense. But at least she’s prepared.
CLASSIC!
The King liked that one, too
My Cousin was about 3 years old or younger & our Grandma was babysitting him one day. For some reason when he was home his parents allowed him to wear a shirt only,maybe due to potty training? Anyway, he came into the kitchen with his wagon & told her he was going to the store, Grams said ” Don’t ya think you should put on some pants?” He said stretching out both arms & spreading his legs apart, ” The people are gonna love my pecker!!” He’s 21 now & all his past/present GF’s know this story thanks to Grams =)
I am a mother of 3 boys now 21, 20 and 17. Middle son when he was 4ish was sitting by me and rubbing my leg while watching tv.
He said “mommy, is your leg asleep?”
I said “no honey, why do you ask?”
He said “cuz I can feel the pins and needles.”
My son was about 2 and picked up the f- word from somewhere…..he liked to say it a lot of course. After trying to hide my laughter, I finally said “honey, you really should not say that word, it’s not nice.”. He looks at me so innocently and says “what word mommy? Fuck?”. Ummm, yes honey, that word.
My 3 yr old son and i were reading a book and he points to a girl bear and says “that one has a ‘gina” me-”it has a what??” him-”a ‘gina!” me- “and where is this ‘gina?” him- “in the butt!!” oh the things little boys say after always asking mommy where her penis is when barging into the bathroom while im peeing.
My elderly mother was scared of thunderstorms and I always would pack my 3 year old into the car and and drive over to keep her company when it stormed. When we would drive during night time storms he liked to pretend that the lightning was asteroids. He would yell ” mom hurry its an asteroid heading right at us” On one particular night the lightning was really bad and he said” Hurry mom the asteroids are huge. Look out its a HEMORRHOID!”
I have two boys. When my youngest was almost 3, I decided that I would start taking them to church. It was never a pleasant experience since my kids can’t stop fighting for more than a couple minutes. On one Sunday he was having a real difficult time controlling himself so I picked him up to whisper threats in his ear. Just as the song ended and the whole church was silent, He looked at me and screamed. KISS MY ASS! Needless to say we have never gone back there.
Oh. My. God. You know what, though? I bet God thought that was HILARIOUS!
When my oldest was 3, before the age of netflix, she loved going to the video store, mostly because we would usually go to the grocery store across the parking lot afterwards and I would buy her chocolate milk. One day she got very upset with me because I said we weren’t going to the grocery store. She started shaking her head and muttered under her breath, “Shit, shit, fucking shit!” To hear that coming out of her cherubic little face was so shocking I started to laugh, which, of course, really got her going so she proceeded to look me in the eye and say, “You’re fucking shit, Mommy!”
“Oh, no” I said, “That is not okay. Those are bad words, baby. We don’t say bad words.”
“But Daddy say dat.” she insisted (Thanks, honey. Thanks a shitload, I think.)
“Yes, but Daddy’s not supposed to say those words either. We all have to help each other remember not to say those words. So, if you hear Daddy say those words you say, ‘Bad Daddy, no donut!’” (as in Bad cop, no donut! This had become sort of an all purpose remonstration technique at this point in our house.) She was so entertained at the idea of being able to scold her father that any interest in swearing was completely forgotten.
Cut to the next morning. My husband can’t find the checkbook and he’s storming around the house, cussing for all he’s worth. He finally storms out to the truck to see if he left it there and slams the kitchen door behind him. After the door slams she turns to me, her eyes as big as dinner plates, shakes her head and says very seriously:
“Mommy, Daddy is a Bad Donut.”
For the last 5 years, whenever one of us is really worked up into a useless frenzy and getting excessively potty-mouthed with it we call them a Bad Donut. Then everybody starts laughing and calms the fuck down.
I am a mommy of 3, two girls 9 & 8 and one boy 4. I have used the same daycare since my oldest was 6 months so; they’re more like extended-extended family then just the random babysitter. They know my kids and myself pretty darn well!! Upon arriving to retrieve my Kiddo’s on sunny afternoon one of the lady’s is rushing to meet me at the door. “I HAVE to show you what your son did today”. Since this is not always a good way to end my stressful workday I go hesitantly. She takes me into the pre-school aged room and on to the “Science Area” which has magnifying glasses, nature items, and two 2 liter bottles tapped together at the nozzle with a pink colored liquid in it. If you swirl it and turn it over it makes a water tornado… Pretty neat right!? As she holds it in her hand she says ” Your son brought this over to me today and said Mrs. Michelle why does this have wine in it?” Ummm…..Oops? What can I say, I’m a fan of White Ziffendale! I am thankful that the lady’s who work there know me, because that coulda looked really bad, but instead her and I laughed for a good 5 minutes before I could get my composure long enough to corral my Kiddo’s and get them strapped in the car!!
We lived in Navy housing for more then a few years, and had upon occasion some really bad neighbors. Our last duty station had us packed in to a small lot of 6 houses. In these 6 houses combined lived 20 children. My son and the neighbor boy both 3 at the time were like oil and water, yet best of friends. One day my son comes running in the house: “Josh what are you looking for? Josh says “I need a really BIG hat like Pa’s! ” I reply with ” why do you need a big hat?” The response was “so I can kick Jeremy’s ass!” One of my favs I actually must have liked it so much at the time I wrote it down and stuffed it in my purse at the time. A few years back while cleaning things out I found the purse and the note and suddenly it was like it happened yesterday.
When my son (3 1/2 now) was about 2 1/2, he was having his nightly bath. He was in the “I want to do it myself” stage and requested to wash himself. So, I let him. He was so excited just scrubbing away until I heard: “Ughhhh!” So I ask him what was the matter and he said in his cute little mad voice “I just found a hole in my butt”….
OMFG, I am totally reposting this to our FB page… Hope that’s ok!
I have 3 girls – twins now aged 14 and a 7 yr old.
When the twins were about 4 yrs old, we were trying to entice them into eating Asparagus. We told them “it makes your pee smell funny!” so they reluctantly took ONE bite and that was the end of that.
A few days later they were at Grandmas house for a sleepover. My MIL was reading them their bedtime story and one of them pipes up “hmmm. Shouldn’t have eaten that green stuff”. My MIL says “what do you mean honey?” to which little one replies “Well now my twinkle stinks”….not having any clue what she was talking about and having a very real desire to change the subject quickly my MIL says “oh no honey, it doesn’t” to which my daughter replies “Yes it does! Smell my finger!!!!!”
To this day….LMFAO!!!!!
OMG. That is awethome.
I was babysitting my cousin (age 3) who still wasn’t too hot at telling us when he needed to go potty when we decided to meet my bf for lunch at his work. I had the bf take the boy to go potty before heading to the McDonalds because I didn’t really want a wet back seat. I hear the boy flush the toilet, and bf say “don’t open the door yet, I have to go potty too.”. The next thing I hear is “SEF, (bf’s name is Seth) you have a big pee-pee just like my daddy!!!”
Needless to say, boy does not get company in the potty anymore, and bf is horrified for when our son starts potty training.
A repost from FB:
My 2 year old sometimes has trouble pronouncing the letter “R”. He also gets turtles and frogs confused. This summer he wore a shirt with a turtle on it to the library. The little old librarian said “oh aren’t you cute? What’s on your shirt?” To which he loudly screamed “FUUUUUUCK!”
Another one:
He’s full of one-liners, even as his young age. We are working on potty training. Last week he looked down while going potty and yelled “WHOA! Fire engine hose!” Oh son, that’s what all men like to believe!
Trying to teach our 3 1/2 year old daughter not to say *adult words* when her father and I cuss like sailors has been a challenge, but she’s gotten it – most of the time. The other day, though, she was watching Tom & Jerry, and they were doing their usual antics. I heard her say under her breath “YOU are a BITCH, cat!!” I managed to stifle my laughter barely long enough to run out of the room before I burst into hysterics.
When I first got pregnant with my now-5-year-old, no one said ‘congrats,’ they all said, ‘Ohhh, you’re going to REALLY have to clean up your language.’ Fast-forward 4 years: I get a call from my son’s daycare telling me I need to get there ASAP. “He’s not hurt, but you need to get here.” I think ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck the entire way…the teacher pulls me into the kitchen to (VERY seriously) tell me that my son called another little kid a “whore” (one of my favorite insults for stupid drivers), I’m doing everything in my power to not burst out laughing, as she continues: “I don’t even know who uses that word anymore…” I, of course, tell her I have no idea where he learned it, but that I’ll talk to him. I finally get the boy in the car and he says, “Mom, I used one of your words at school today, but I don’t think it was a good one. I know I’LL never say it again, how about you?” Little bastard…
I took my Monster, which at the time was 2, to the park one day with my other son Punkinhead, my sister and her kid, CoonMan. Monster was making a pile of sticks next to a tree and his lil cousin CoonMan went over and touched them and clear as day Monster screams “don’t touch my FUCKING house”. All the other parents just stared at him and we all just acted like we didn’t know who’s he was. Oops!
Just found your blog through Pinterest. Thank you for the realness you have allowed us to glimpse. Not many would be so wiling to share that their lives are not perfect and that they fuck up from time to time. My hats are off to you ladies. You kept it very real and funny to boot. I too have a profound hatred and feel quite stabby towards those moms who seem to have the perfect life and give you *the look* when you cuss or do something “inappropriate”. Its nice to know that my child and yours will know that you were a real person with feeling, emotions, and issues, not a fucking robot.
My little pooper – aka (Mr. P) also took to calling his penis his peanuts. After a bath, we put on lotion because he has a touch of psoriasis. He was into learning body parts at that point, so we would sing songy say “on your arms, on your toes, on your back….” and one day he got some on his penis.
He said “Whats this?”
I said “well… its your penis.” very matter of factly. I don’t want to shield him with making stupid cutsey names for things like this.
So then he was saying “on my arms, on my toes, on my back, on my peanuts”.
I died laughing, so of course he thinks its great fun to call it his peanuts. Learned to not laugh when he says stuff like this or it happens all the time and I want him to know its a penis and not peanuts. BUT his first girlfriend and his wife will hear this story.
He is now potty training. Has the peeing part down pretty good. The pooping, not quite. One Sat, Mr.P had several accidents already. We were on the last pair of clean underwear and all out of any pull ups. He had just sat on the toilet for about half an hour. May not seem that long to non potty training parents, but its an eternity- trust me. After the half hour of him insisting there was no more poop in him, we went into the living room to attempt to vacuum, and he shit his underwear again…immediately. I said “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME DUDE”. He started crying and I felt like utter shit. Cleaned him up, and I was desperate, so I put a pair of my smallest underwear on him, while cussing out and kicking the dryer to fucking hurry up already!! Go back in the living room and try to vacuum again. He shit again! I turned the vacuum off and he said very meekly – “are you fucking kidding me dude”. This time I was in tears and laughing hysterically. Clearly he was having a bad stomach day and I was not being a rational parent.I didn’t correct him because it was appropriate in his case. He was sick, and I made him wear my underwear, I would also have said are you fucking kidding me dude, too.
Mr. P has an incredible memory. There is a Dino dinorsaur ride outside our supermarket. I let him ride it most times, because its only 50 cents and only about a minute of that annoying fucking music and it makes him smile and giggle; a real true giggle, which is like crack to me. One very rough morning, we were going in for donuts for him, and 40 oz beer…um I mean coffee for me. He wanted to ride the dinosaur. I didn’t have any cash on me so I said “I don’t have any money.”
He said “Yes you do, its in your purse.”
I just stood there. Came back with “But really…I don’t”
He said ” There is some in the Jeep”. Again, I just stood there.
He is right, there is some, but its not quarters. I was exasperated and tired and frankly not so happy he was right and was calling me on my bullshit.
I said ” I don’t have any fucking quarters, and MAYBE if we get some stuff in the store, I can get cash back on my debit card for 50 fucking cents”.
He was quiet while we got the donuts and coffee/beer in the store. In the checkout line, his quietness revealed itself as him scheming on just how he was going to ride that dinosaur.
He told the cashier when we got to the checkout line “Please may I have 50 fucking cents for the ride?” Because we have taught him he needs to say “Please may I have ……” to be polite.
Mortified and laughing at the same time. Did he ride the Dino ride? You fucking bet he did. He earned it.