Ever hear yourself say something… and then CRINGE?!?! Maybe you dropped an F-bomb to your kids, maybe you channeled your mother, maybe you said something so ridiculous, you laughed at yourself.
Anyway, post it here. It’ll bring amusement to the rest of us 
We’ll go first!!
I actually heard myself say to 6-yr-old La Diva, “For the last TIME, it’s ‘shake your groove thang/shake your groove thang,’ not ‘shake your poo thing, shake your poo thing.’ GOD! Say it right!” (This was after 10-yr-old Faerie Child had continually taunted her sister in the backseat by rolling over on her side to shake her moneymaker at her sister, while singing “Shake your groove thing!” as her sister kept shouting, “Don’t shake your poo thing at me!”) Mommy win. ~T
One day, I apparently forgot who I was talking to, and I said, “La Diva, I’m not your bitch. Get your own [whatever it was].” MOMMY FAIL.-Theresa
When my daughters were little, and La Diva was still in diapers, I ACTUALLY said, “Faerie Child, stop sniffing your sister’s butt!” Then I realized she was emulating our poop check, where we’d hold up the baby and take a whiff in the butt-al region to see if she was ripe for a change.-Theresa
Bet you can do better. Let’s hear it!
My son didn’t want what I was making for dinner and it was a new recipe I was trying, and working hard on it. I got pissed and said “Well you are going to try it anyway, this is NOT fucking Burger King have it your way dammit!” Uhmm he was 7 at the time..FAIL
I have that apron hanging on the wall in my kitchen! After I got that, the kids stopped complaining about what I cook and now cook a lot on their own!
I’m from West Virginia. You all know the stereotypes, and some of them are alive and well among our population.
I had my youngest with me at the grocery store the other day and she was being 5–you know, whining/grabbing shit/complaining/running ahead/getting in the way/etc. And I actually said loudly to her “If you don’t get your ass back here right now I’m going to beat you.” In my natural Southern accent. I was in an Aldi–where most of the clientele around here is the elderly/food stamp crowd. No one batted an eyelash. I told my boyfriend that I was now an official West Virginian… 
That’s awesome. I’m from New York originally (now in the Bible Belt), and people do NOT understand that physical threats of violence are simply par for the course. “Put that box of cereal down before I break your legs” is an awesome example from childhood memories of grocery stores.
I was bantering playfully with my 6 year old daughter while playing the slug bug game. She socked me real good and I (in reflex) said “you bitch!” She laughed… I failed lol
(Not my story as I’m as of yet childless…)
A girlfriend’s four-year-old had been giving her shit all morning. Between the whining older boy and the clingy toddler girl-child, she was fed up. She finally turned to the 4yo and said, “Dammit, child!”
In her words, “the mouth went square, tears welled up and flooded down his cheeks. He replied, ‘I am not a dammit child and you need to watch your language!’.”
She gives me hope that real humans are parents, not the weirdly patient people you see on TV or in books.
I think we all feel like we’ve scarred them for life at some point. Personally, I the key is admit when we we’re wrong, tell them, and apologize. At least that’s what I tell myself, so I can sleep at night, after an EPIC Mommy Fail!
The other night, I was actually cooking dinner instead of adding to our collection of happy meal toys. I work in Disaster Relief so I’m sure you can understand how fucking busy we are since Mother Nature is obviously having a 4 week PMS/fuck everything up in site, kinda month. Over the past 4 weeks, youngest boy spawn has collected 3 complete fucking sets of those tiny Batman/Marvel happy meal toys. Well, while cooking he way playing with all 24 toys and got up and went in the other room to do God knows what. I went to put his plate on the table and while barefoot, stepped on the strategically placed batmans, jokers, batmobiles and all the other fucking toys he’s collected over the past month. He had just come back to the table and when I stepped on them, my reaction was as follows:
Me: Damnit I told you to take these to your room. You better do it NOW or I’m throwing all this shit in the trash!
Boy: mommy don’t throw my shit in the trash!! It took a long time to get all these!
Me: (COUGHING at this point so I don’t laugh) then get them picked up now!
Boy: I will jeez, just don’t throw my shit away okay?
Me: well I won’t, but I want them picked up and they are not to be in the floor again. And if you ever respond with that attitude again, I’ll bust your ass.
Boy: fine, then don’t beat my ass or throw my shit away!!
Gotta love 5 year olds. I had to explain to him not to repeat any bad words that come from Mommy’s mouth anymore.
After that- his response: but you say shit all the time so it’s not a bad word right?
I
How did you even keep a straight face??!
omg Lindsay, lmao!! I laughed out loud at that one. these are great!
After a couple of hours of my 3 kids (10, 6, 4) non-stop fighting/house destroying rampage, with me constantly running room to room to stop it. (this actually went on for about a week every day) I finally got fed up after one really bad knock down drag out. I told them ‘Fuck yall-see if you kill each other for all I care! It will be less kids to clean up after.’ (FAIL) I then slammed the front door as I went outside. Funny though I was sitting at the door listening to them-they fought for about 2 more minutes, then they started playing. I could hear everything that went on. I stayed outside and listened to them laugh/play for about 30 minutes. It was music to my ears.
After listening to the boy whine for a while, this gem came flying out of my mouth;
“If you are old enough to play with your weenie, you are old enough to dry off your own legs.”
(ouch)
This made me laugh out loud!!!!! Literally!!!!!! Eyes are watering!!!! Thank you for sharing a moment in your world. I totally relate!
The other day my newly turned 2 year old broke my favorite house plant pot, a little ceramic turtle I was given as a gift when I was pregnant with him. Now, when I say broke it, I mean he chucked the thing at the ground so hard it shattered into shards.. I was so hurt that when he started crying and told me he was sorry I just said “Well Vincent, sorry isn’t going to fix my broken turtle is it? I loved this thing and you just broke it like you didn’t give a shit about how I feel.” Not a good thing to say to a 2 year old I admit but damn I was so upset that I was in tears by then. Ever since then I haven’t been able to get him to stop telling people that “mommy is sad, I broke mommy’s turtle, I didn’t give a shit, mommy is sad..” way to go me.
Now see, when *I* read this story, I see how well your child is doing verbally! That’s impressive speech for a 2 yr old!
Good job, momma!
Oh my, wow I love you guys, eyes watering laughing with these!!
I found my 2 year old with a frozen burger patty, just sucking away.
He said “Mommy, looks it’s chocolate!”… Well the kiddo doesn’t even like chocolate so I knew that it wasn’t good.. whatever it was… And then the whole idea of it being raw meat and him dying from mad cow and salmonella….
First thing that popped out of my mouth was “OH SHIT STOP SUCKING ON THE MEAT!”
Little guy “Oh shit, Im sorry I sucked your meat, Momma!” Repeatedly as I’m trying to wash his hands and mouth out…. as I was calming down, I guess he could sense it.
He said “Just chill out mommy, its okay i sucked meat…” then he thinks about it for a second “daddy said oh shit too”
while I have said MANY things over the years to my kids….last night was the kicker….My daughter’s boyfriend was over (again)…and since he is bound to be my son in law in the near future I am sure…I treat him as my own…I never thought I would utter the words “Stop throwing the hammer” in my life…mind you…my daughter is 22 and so is her boyfriend…believe me..it NEVER ends!
My girls were ten and eight. They were working on that tweeny-bopper look that seems to be reaching out to increasingly younger girls. So though they didn’t have much to cover, they weren’t covering very much.
I couldn’t help myself. “You girls look like hookers!” (I tend to shoot from the hip).
Them: “What’s a hooker.”
Me: “A woman who sleeps with men for money.”
Them: “Oh.” (looking down the hall at the master bedroom.)
Me: (sheepishly giving voice to the unavoidable conclusion): “As opposed to Mommy– who sleeps with Daddy for free.” Ba bam!
I told my 6 yr old daughter to get changed we gotta pick our friends baby
up from daycare. Half hr later she struts out in a baby bonds skirt I hadn’t even seen in yrs, platform heels, hoop earings and red lippy. Without thinking, I blurt out what the Fuck are you wearing, you are not getting outta that fukn car looking like a two-bit hooker ur supposed to be a fucking lady…..
Somebody spilled something liquid “GOD DAMMIT!”
Somebody hit me with something or hurt me physically in some way “WHAT THE FUCK?!”
of course they always correct me.
Then one day hubs says “you need to stop swearing in front of the kids”
and my 5 yr old says “yeah mom, you don’t look pretty when you say bad words”
well if that’s not reason to stop swearing I don’t know what is.
Emily (6yr old): *whining* “Mommy, why does Maddy (11yr old) get to go to the movies with her friends and I can’t?”
Me (Mother of the Year): “Cause she’s my favorite.”
Also, I often mutter: “Stupid kids…think they’re human.”
FAIL.
I always say that too (the favorite line). It’s just so irritating when they whine “why does she/he get to go or get something…..wah wah wah.” I always say “Because I love him/her better” or “Because he/she is my favorite.” Now, they expect it
Having a set of boy twins when the oldest boy is 11 months old will provide ample opportunities for mommy fails. 1. Get your face off your brother’s penis. 2. We do not play with our poop, we don’t put poop in our mouths. 3. Goddammit, goddammit, oh godddddd, shit, what the hell! 4. Stop being such a girl to my 3 year old diva son, all day he is whining and crying about something.
I don’t have twins or retards, but I feel you. I also feel like a total jackass everytine I call my kids retards. Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade.
HOLY SHIT BALLS! As I am reading these, I am thinking “i am terrible I call my kids names all the time”, and I hate when I catch myself mumbling”retard” when I am in my “quietly pissed” mood. This just made me laugh so hard my youngest alien thinks I am sad and crying, he gave me a hug and said “WHAT NOW?” just like i do in frustration/love whenever they have 1of their 50 injuries a day.
HA! Made me snort just a little. Ever since i watched Red vs Blue, I have said fucktard. . .I have many epic mommy fails as i spurt out jeeze r u a fucktard or something. . .MOMMY FAIL. . .but like pp said. . .sometimes u just have to call a spade a spade.
My 4 year old was painting while I was looking over his home work. He called for my attention I said “wait baby”. While grabbing my face he says, “no mommy look i painted my hand.”
realizing the hand he just touched my face with was covered in paint… I screamed ” ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?!?!”
instant tears… i hugged him and he put his lil face on the cheek that had the paint on it so we BOTH had to take showers.
I have three boys 9,6,4 and a VERY colorful vocabulary. My 9 yo listens to and repeats EVERYTHING I say like rain man! While I’m hauling their asses all over town and their supposed to be entranced in a movie while I’m botching about my friends in my cell phone, he learned a new phrase ‘kick in the taco.’ Later that day when we met up with Mrs. Taco, he said “but mom, this morning you said you were so pissed you could kick her in the taco.” right in front of her. Thank you, blabber mouth!
Another fabulous mom fail came from my 4 yo on the T-ball field. He was just having a crappy day and then some dumbass threw a ball at him from 5 feet away so hard it could have gone thru a window. He caught the ball right in the ribs and was furious. He came off the field and the mother of the other boy and I went to make sure ge was ok (which he was) I said “oh, buddy, you’re ok. He didn’t mean it. That stuff happens in baseball sometimes.” and he said “NO! It doesn’t! That motherfucker is too stupid to play t-ball”. Perfect.
Bahaha! I just about pissed myself, that’s funny shit!
You guys make me feel like a better mother. Seriously, it’s so nice to know “it’s not just me….”
So my three year old just had surgery on his ‘man parts’ and was whining about his “owie”… Trying to be such a good little mommy I said “oh poor baby do you want mommy to to kiss and make it all better”…. pause pause oh um mommy can’t kiss it this time… FAIL!!!
I’ve got another one to add to the collection…
I now know for a fact that I am to blame for every curse word my son has ever said in his two years alive.
In the car today, he asked for about ten minutes straight for something to drink. I got so tired of hearing him talk about how he had nothing to drink and I was drinking soda that at the next red light I turned around with my cup full of mountain dew to let him have a drink (a big no no with me, my kid does not need anything to make him more hyper,
but I was desperate to shut him up.) well, the light changed, and instead of letting him take the cup I yanked it back up to the cup holder before he could get more than a sip out of the straw. his feelings on this?
“mommy! what the fuck!”
I almost died laughing.
bad mommy.
OMG…. I about choked reading this! That is too freaking funny!!!
Aww, I tell my kids, “if you stop talking so much you won’t get so thirsty!” oops
You have to listen to some type of rap music for this to make sense.
It was raining and my daughter says “Mommy Im scared” and I say “Don’t worry its just God making it rain.” God forbid she goes to school and says “Its just God making it rain”
* In the rap world “makin it rain” is to shower strip whores with money. God does not do that…
Doesn’t god love all of us enough to shower us with money?!?!
So I may have scarred my 5 yo daughter for life… A few days ago we were in the bathroom at a local store when she noticed that there was a machine on the wall that contains feminine products. She’s recently discovered the wonders of candy and plastic jewelry machines that for the mere cost of $0.25 or $0.50, she can be the proud owner of a gumball bigger than her head or a jelly bracelet in the shape of Indiana. So, of course, she was intrigued by a machine that she knew accepted quarters but she couldn’t see what people would get when they put their money into it. She kept asking me over and over what was inside and I just kept telling her that it was something that I would explain when she was older. I’m all for answering any of her questions at an appropriate level for her age but I was trying to wrangle her 2 yo brother into washing his hands and not dropping everything else that I was holding. I finally blurted out – to my girl who asks for a Band-aid when she sees someone else get a cut – that I couldn’t tell her what was inside of the machine because she’ll, “get scared because it’s for when you get blood when you’re a big girl.” Surprisingly enough, she seemed to take this in stride until a few hours later when she insistently told me that she never, never, NEVER wants me to tell her about what’s in that machine!! *sigh* FAIL…
Our 2 and a half year old daughter often says “what the fuck?” to us. In context. AND IN PUBLIC. x_x
word to the mothers. glad I’m part of a club
Over this last summer I was at the beach her in seattle with my then 5 year old diva monster girl child. She was having a great time while a friend and I made fun of most the other people at the beach. Eventually I look up and the kid is a SPECK in the distance chillin on some drift wood and it appears that shes talking to some man with his kid. I pop up, walk clumsily through our pacific northwest rock sand, grab her by the hand and lay in…”I TOLD you to stay close, WHY would you think its okay” she tried to make excuses and I blurted out”it is MY relaxing day off today, I am NOT spending my day off looking for your little ass everywhere only to find out your in some psycho fuckups freezer…..itll wait until tomorrow, do you want some dickhead to eat you for dinner? People are sick and fucking TWISTED right now!” (fail) we got back to our spot and within minutes she was gone again…we left.
OMG, I love this. Bless you for giving people a vehicle where they can share their crazy and feel more normal.
I once shouted to my child from across the room “GET YOUR GOD DAMN PENIS OFF THAT TABLE!” It was particularly embarrassing because we were in Burger King at the time. Hand to God.
I want to see THAT blog post.
Thanks for this! It really made me laugh and it’s nice to know that there are other Mommies who SOMETIMES lose their patience!
My gem lately has been wandering around finding I have no clean towels, no one can find what they need for the next day and all their chores not done and I keep walking around mumbling “I hate you people”. Which of course my hubby chimes in “no you don’t” of course he doesn’t offer to help. UGH
Yes some days I do hate you people LMAO!!!
I posted on Crazy Shit my Kids Have Said about my 2 year old’s difficulty pronouncing the letter R. This means words like Frog come out more like F#$k and his favorite Thomas the Train character, Percy, well….it’s just embarrassing when he yells that word in public. I was telling my husband about the Frog and Librarian situation. He turned to my TWO YEAR OLD and said “C say Frog Percy.” Which he did repeat…a week later…in front of my mother in law. That, my fellow mommies, is an epic Daddy Fail!
2 teen girls (one the DD) and my 10 yr old son. We were on our way home from a hockey game and passed PFChangs. I was tired. I wondered (out loud obviously) why their horses were not anantomically correct. O_o from the girls. A “What does that mean?” from the boy. I explained they didn’t have testicles. The girls started giggling; the boy asked what testicles were. I answered (deadpan face cuz that’s how I roll), “Balls, you know, boy balls!” He said eeewww. We all cracked up. It is now DD’s friend’s mission to try to embarass me. Good luck with that!!!
When she was two and at a play group (in a nice parents’ home) my daughter found a pen in the crayon box and loudly proclaimed: “fucking hell mummy, who put the pen in with the crayons.” I had to threaten her with never teaching her to read on the way home to stop her repeating it in the car all the way home.
it is amazing to me, not that they repeat what you say so much but that they use them in the right context… mind blowing
My 5 year old has learned all her dirty words from me, I’m sure. I am kinda proud of her for using them in context, but I don’t know where she got her most recent favorite phrase “You scrared the freaking goddamn out of me!” And yesterday, she was playing outside with the neighbor kids and I hear “What the fuck?” Kind of under her breath but loud enough to hear. I just hope she never talks like this in front of grandma.
Omg this is great! I just got off work from a hellish day (I’m a nurse) in which I wanted to give 3 of my 4 patients “pillow therapy”. And now I am on the couch laughing hysterically! I soooo needed this! When I was pregnant with my son (now
I saw a random episode of Oprah in which this British lady said (about motherhood) ” what no one bothers to tell you is that it sucks 80% of the time”….I cried for a week scared shitless….I don’t think it sucks but I do think it’s great to know other moms who blank on their kids routinely!!! Kinda makes me feel normal! I can’t remember the last thing I said to my kid that ws inappropriate….I do it so often I dont realize it! But it probably ended with me screaming “FFFFuUucCCKKKk!!!!”
I KNEW nurses secretly considered pillow therapy!
And I VIVIDLY remember that woman and her comment. I wanted to hug her and take her out for wine and chocolate cake.
Yahoo, I’m not the only one! This was great reading, thanks to everybody for sharing.
I’m 30 weeks pregnant and have an almost – 4 – yo too smart for her own damn good. I’ve got a lot of medical probs this go-round, including polyhydramos which makes me absolutely exhausted about halfway through our way, so generally before lunch i’m plopping on the couch for a quick break and mumbling about whatever body part is achy as hell that day. The other day my sweet angel falls back onto the ottoman and says “Ugh, I am sssooo tired….” and then, almost inaudibly, “Fuck.”
Also, we have a very affectionate pitbull that lives inside with us, and he is a giant pussy (well, he is.) So he was being all whiny and pathetic and I say jokingly “Oh, Lu-Dog, Stop being such a pussy.” And my sweet angel chimes in with a giggle “Mommy, Lu Dog’s not a pussy he’s just pathetic!!!” I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes telling her that’s a grown-up word. Yeah, like she bought that shit.
lmao now i dont feel so bad that my two yr daughter runs around sayn hey mother effer and is always singn move bitch get out the way lol
This blog has single-handedly restored my faith in humanity.
Also, I no longer feel like I should report myself to the authorities for muttering “stupid, stupid children!” at my idiot offspring, threatening to make my son sleep in the splinters of his shattered bunk bed if he manages to break it by hanging off it like a demented chimp, or shouting, “aw HELLL no, FUCK THAT!” while diving at my 4-yo-son who was about to dump spaghetti and meatballs all over my clean (it’s a miracle!) floor… much to the delight of my 5-yo daughter, who now yells “FUCK THAT!” whenever the occasion arises. (It arises a lot.)
Demented chip. Awethome.
I have a potty mouth. . .I am the wife of a trucker. . .who also has a potty mouth. . .our favorite word(s) at our house are ‘fuck’ and possibly ‘cock sucker’, ‘shit’ and ‘damn’ par the course.
I have 2 six year olds (one my step) a 20mth old, and a 7mth old.
Last summer, my husband and i were pissed purple at MIL, so I turned to the then 5yr olds and said can you do this (as i held up the middle finger) and my step turned to me and said ya and threw up the big FU in front of about 20 old people getting off of the old folks home transport bus.
my daughter struggling with the whole finger thing, just turned and said ‘fuck you’ grandma P!. . .:) I love my children, I hope that the youngest 2 will be able to throw the finger with such ease.
That same 5yr old said ‘fuck that scared the shit out of me’ on the 4th of July. . .thank goodness this was in the dark of night and the booms of fireworks covered her truckers mouth.
MOMMY FAIL. . .and yet slightly proud.
Well, the child WAS using it in context, so MOMMY WIN!